Please
note, these articles solely express the view of the author and
NOT the view of the NCT
Being a full-time mum
by Joy Cassidy, Summer 2006
Last
weekend I took it upon myself to try and find cheaper home insurance
given that our renewal quote had come and was looking rather
scary. This involved spending several hours at the computer
filling in form after form with company after company and clicking
on the magic ‘quote button’ to see which was going
to surprise me with the best deal. It was tedious, frustrating
and just not a fun way to spend your Sunday afternoon. It was
also demoralising – why? Because out of approximately
15 or so companies I looked at, only ONE gave me the option
to call myself a ‘House Parent.’ In the eyes of
the other companies I was either a housewife or heaven forbid
unemployed.
I
am a graduate with a good degree and socialise with other university
friends who have gone on and done very successful things with
their lives: Doctors; Lawyers; Lecturers and Computer Specialists.
Meanwhile I’ve been doing another job - one with
no title, no salary and no recognition, I chose to stay at home
and bring up my Son.
It
is a hard one to describe primarily because deep down I feel
guilty in an odd way for giving up my place in the rat-race.
I want to be at home with my child but there is this ever-present
devil on my shoulder whispering in my ear just how much I am
undervalued. Am I a housewife or unemployed seeing as I don’t
earn a salary and ones status today seems to be based around
income? I have a job and it is as a full time Mummy but I just
don’t get paid.
I
am proud of what I do but this constant insecurity I have about
choosing my role in life has lead me to feel like I need to
reinforce what I do or look for outside approval. I have friends
who have openly said they think I am wasting my education and
they expected “more from me.” Whilst others assume
I lacked ambition and thus couldn’t hold down a worthy
career.
I
look at what I am qualified to do – I hold a Divinity
Degree where I majored in Practical Theology and Pastoral Care
and Counselling I then went on to do Counselling training. I
learnt nurturing and organisational skills along with decision
making and listening-skills amongst others. I am not saying
education can prepare you for motherhood but I know that I am
using all the skills I learnt on a daily basis just like my
friends in their ‘real jobs.’
I
often get asked, “are you going back to work?” as
if right now I’m not really working or doing anything
of value – except drinking coffee with my neighbour and
spending my husband’s hard earned salary. It is that misguided
thought that being at home with your child means you are doing
nothing. There are times at the end of the day when I do wonder
what I have achieved. I haven’t submitted a vital report
or chaired a meeting but I did teach my son the letters of the
alphabet and I enhanced his creative ability by making cakes
and helped his confidence by going swimming.
Another
comment I get from friends is “I’d get so bored
at home”, which implies that I am not being intellectually
stimulated enough or that I am not finding what I do fulfilling.
Granted, there are times when you feel like you are banging
your head off the wall but everyone feels like that once in
a while with their jobs. You do not have to be a member of Mensa
to raise a child and it doesn’t challenge you intellectually
as such, but it certainly challenges you. You are constantly
watching out for them, speaking to them, come up with activities
to do and share in their daily activities. I could never find
spending time with my son boring – he makes me laugh,
cry, sing, dance, play games and all the time I am left looking
at this wonderful little boy who is developing right before
my eyes.
I
know how lucky I am to be able to stay at home, but that doesn’t
mean we haven’t had to make many sacrifices financially
to do so. It is amazing what bargains you can get on E-bay and
I think our summer holidays will be time spent with my parents
for a few more years yet. Gone are the expensive coffees and
takeaways and the copious amount of wine we could put away but
that is our decision. I do not miss having my own money and
I do not miss the “adult company” which working
Mums often give as a reason for returning to work. I have made
friends with other Mums and that gives me my outlet for adult
chit-chat.
The
Daily Telegraph recently revealed it would cost £20,000 a year
to replace the services I provide. That amount if it were a
salary would go a long way towards raising my self-esteem for
sure and would enable many woman who are forced to go out to
work to be able to stay at home with their children if they
desired. I also believe that it would go somewhere to increasing
the status of full-time Mums in the eyes of others as we would
be on the salary playing field.
Of
course, women must have a choice. If mothers want to go back
to work then they should be supported also for that is no easy
option. Why can’t society and the government (who implement
return to work policies but do not advertise being Mummy as
a fulltime option) recognise that women should be supported
with either choice, instead of penalising women who stay at
home. In my eyes raising the future generation is one of the
most important jobs of all.
Thirty
or forty years ago it was the norm to stay at home with your
children and society looked down on the women who went out to
work assuming those mothers must be desperately poor to have
to work and leave their children to be cared for elsewhere.
Now we have the opposite scenario where mothers who stay at
home are looked down on and have their motives questioned. I
am either sponging off the state or my husband or do not have
enough brains or inclination to make it in a professional career.
What is so sad, is that many of these criticisms made at me
are by other women. Surely we should all be sticking together
and supporting each other in our chosen role.
As
for me, I am going to keep making those personal sacrifices
and putting aside luxuries I can’t buy and enjoy the time
I have with my son. I have been there to see his first smile,
his first steps, his first words and I will continue to be here
for as long as he needs me. In a couple of years time he will
be starting school and I can then stick my head above the parapet
and join society again and when it comes to filling in official
paperwork, hopefully there will be a ‘ticky box’
for me.
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